Tag: relationships

You let him go

He sent me a message a little past midnight, saying he was sad and needed to talk. Cussing the ungodly hours and the distance, he said we’d have to settle on synchronised drinking via Skype.

When I answered his call, ‘Let her go’ was playing on my Mac. Instantly he said – ‘I hate that song.’ I quipped back that I love it, but something in his voice, not sure if it was bitterness or sadness, made me stop the track.

He wouldn’t spit out what the damned thing was wrong, but he said it was complicated and I wouldn’t want to hear it. I told him to try me. I am the Queen of complicated . I couldn’t also shake off the feeling that he wanted to share, but was hesitant to. For the love of all that’s holy, he eventually started talking. He told me about you.

Now hold your horses, girl. I am not the other woman. I’m that woman whom guys are comfy calling ‘dude.’ I’m that someone whom they feel comfy sharing emotions with, without losing their perceived masculinity. Do not lump me in the ‘bitches’ category.

He kept on insisting it was a long story, and that basically you split up. I coaxed him to give me the details, cos if you aren’t yet aware, ‘the devil is in the details.’ And I kinda had a hunch that if he didn’t want to talk, he wouldn’t have orchestrated the synchronised drinking shit. I believe you know how much he hates drinking.

For three hours of my mobile data’s crappy connection and a few refills of my vodka, I lost count how many times I heard ‘I love her’ and ‘there’s just no one else for me’. He was devastated when you lumped him in the ‘cheater’ and ‘liar’ categories, when in fact, he has straightened up his ways every since he met you.

At one point, he reckoned to apologise just to have you back – but he wouldn’t want to admit something that he did not do. He also didn’t want to let go of whom he has become every since he started being with you.

No, he is not perfect – he never will be. No one else will be, but neither will you. You told him you loved him, and my ears are now bleeding for the nth time I heard how much he loves you, too.

He enumerated the reasons why he thinks it is over. He kept on asking himself if he loved you enough. He was micro analysing all the things he did say and did not say. He was scrutinising the things he did and did not do. He was taking all the blame, but I told him it takes two people to dance. And you know what broke my heart, it was when he said, ‘maybe I just stopped dancing.’ But was it him, or was it you?

There’s a part of me that says it’s over, but there’s the bit which keeps on reminding me that I love her, he said. I answered that a friend once told me ‘when you feel it’s over, it is over.’ He considered it for two seconds flat, but then said he thought you were the one. And we were back to square one.

From one woman to another, do not let your insecurities cloud your judgement, and maybe bring the drama two notches down, or maybe five. But you have, or you once had, a good guy whom you love and who loves you, but you started throwing accusations around. He is hurting, and I know you are, too.

When he got all these emotions out, and was starting to sound so resigned, I told him it was time he slept on it. He thanked me for listening to his rants and whatnot, but I told him that’s what friends do. I might have lost three hours of a good night’s sleep, something I rarely have the chance to enjoy. Just so you know, between you and me, you just lost so much more. You let him go.
###

Sometimes this is what closure looks like

You were too scared, but you knew you had to face him. You owe yourself that much. It has been years since you last saw him but the effect he has on you, despite the distance and his absence, seemed to have grown stronger over time.

Maybe the mystery has been bugging you. The what ifs, the might-have-beens. Maybe it was the writer in you aching for a well-written love story. Probably it was the insatiable need for a happy ending.

It was crazy how his absence has drawn you closer to him, but his presence has always shaken you up. You feel eager to know more about him, ask if life has been kind to him all these years you were apart. There is this need in you to see him smile. You ache to look into those eyes, hoping to get a glimpse of the kind of man he has grown to be.

You recall how – it seems a lifetime ago, he was tough on you. He showed you at an awfully young age that in this life, people will hurt you, but you have to stand up for yourself. He made you realise that even then when he made you feel weak, you were strong.

The time has come for you to muster all your courage to see him. It could be closure – or it could be your doom. When you heard him call your name, you found it ironic how the one person who taught you to be strong can make you feel so weak.

As you tried to meet his gaze, you struggled to keep your knees steady. You wanted to run to his arms and hug him breathless. But you knew it wasn’t your place. So you plastered on a smile, forced a wave, and met him halfway as he walked toward you.

While you walked side by side, you felt people staring. There were voices inside your head telling you it must have been his goddamn looks. He has grown up so fine, it should be made illegal. But there was one voice that was more than hopeful, wishing people looked at you and thought you made a beautiful couple. You mentally slap yourself after that rogue thought.

The meal went by fast, and somewhat filled with pregnant pauses, but it was as comfortable as it could be. Stories were shared and though they could not make up for the years you were apart, they were all you could have. And with all your heart, you were willing to accept whatever the universe had to offer.

You knew goodbye was next. So you took a deep breath, and smiled. He looked straight at you, and offered you a warm smile, too. Then you both stood up ready to part ways, again.
He hugged you and said, ‘it was nice seeing you.’ You kissed him on the cheek and answered with a smile – ‘you, too’ when all you wanted to say was ‘I think I have always been in love with you.’

You promised yourself that soon it would be ‘I loved you,’ and just like what you did when you left him standing there, you would not look back.
-H

The man I wish to date

Inspired by Date a boy who travels.

I could meet him in one of those backpackers’ hostels I frequent during my travels. He’d be hunched over a stack of guides and maps trying to make sense of the foreign land we’re in, or he could be sharing a table with other travellers he just met a few hours before I arrived. He would look as plain as I do, with our comfy shirts and shorts, and those trusty worn-out Converse or trekking sandals. He would look as carefree as he would want to be, a happy deviation from his usual greys and blacks for work.

He would try to strike up a conversation. Maybe ask me where I’m from, or if I’m new to the place as well. Or I could approach him, try to ask directions perhaps. Maybe he’d ask if he can buy me a drink during happy hour, or perhaps I could offer to buy him a beer.

We would share travel stories – from the newbie mistakes to the most unfortunate tales on the road. We would end up laughing at them, but learning from each others misadventures.

Or… I could have known him all my life. Maybe I grew up with him and eventually lost touch. Then one day, I bump into him at a coffee shop away from home. We reminisce, and hit off. Or I could have met him when I was still in university, or out on the streets back when I was still part of the student movement. Or maybe, we were thrown out at the same beat before. Or he could be a friend of a friend. For now, I’m not really sure.

But what I’m certain of – he would be someone who also aches to experience the world. Like me, he does not want to be a ‘tourist’ when he travels, but he longs to become a ‘local’.

Sometimes he travels to escape, which I also do, and finds nothing wrong with that. He loves what he does back home, loves his job and all the shitty things that come with it, but recognises the need to getaway sometimes.

But most of the time, he travels so he can grow. He knows that the world is the best teacher, and that he hungers to learn and experience all the world can offer.

We would go places as a couple, but he would not hold me back from seeing the world alone. Instead, he would be as excited when I plan that solo trip to some beach I have been eyeing forever, while making me promise that one day we would go back and enjoy the sunset together.

He would want to go climb mountains with his outdoor buddies, and I would not stop him. He will continue to see the world with his friends, so he can continue to grow as an individual. And when he comes home, he will bring back a lot more stories he would enthusiastically share with me over a beer or two. He would tell me how much he enjoyed the trip, but that he was thinking of me, and that he would want me to join him on some of their future climbs.

He would not stop me from jumping off some cliff. Instead, he would want to jump off the cliff with me, basking in that moment of free fall and trusting that it won’t be our last jump together.

When all else fails and I would want to drink my sorrows away, he would not tell me that alcohol solves nothing. Rather, he would head out to the nearest liquor store to buy me my poison – and would be there to share a bottle or two. As I drink all the crap away, he would be there beside me, making sure I don’t do something  I’d forever regret – like running out on the street naked. He would listen to all my drunken stories and find them adorable. And when the liquor has done its wonders, he would put me to bed and lay beside me – wrapping me in his arms, an assurance that I am never alone.

And when the morning comes and I’d experience a hangover that would make me swear off alcohol, he would have a glass of water and aspirin ready. No ‘I told you so’ or ‘what good did it bring you’, but a genuine smile and a warm hug to make me feel better.

He’d rather see me face my fears, and get hurt than see me scared for the rest of my life. He would be protective of me, just like how protective he is of everything he loves.  He would opt not to stop me from facing my demons but he would make sure to patch up the wounds and kiss the pain away when I fall hard.

Being career-oriented as I am, he would respect what I have earned through my hard work. He would make sure I know how proud he is of what I have achieved. But, he would be my anchor to other things more important than my career.  He would be my reality check – that life is more than just my career, and that life is more than just me.

He would be my constant reminder that life is better when it is shared with someone you love. And though our journeys would encounter rough seas, he would hold my hand and remind me not to fight the tide, but to ride the waves.
-Hx